19 June 2009

My affirmations about motherhood

My babies in December 2006

A few years before I had my son (who is 10 yrs old), I honestly did not want to be a mother. The idea of only having to worry about myself seemed like a lovely and perhaps selfish thought. I would have been able to do amazing things like travel more , jump from one job to another, spend more money on myself, drive a fancier car, perhaps NOT own a home. The sacrifices we make when we become parents are monumental. For the people who knew me prior to 1999, they could attest to the fact that I was much into caring about myself. I was that person who would not jump to hold someone's baby, I would just smile and say, "soooo cute."

Today, I giggle when I think about that person who no longer exists because I am very much the total opposite. I love how I have transformed into the "mother" that I am now. I am not perfect, but I can say I try my very best. While being a full-time working person, I had about 7 years straight of mostly sleepless nights, so sleepless that I had just about given up on the idea of ever sleeping through the night for the rest of my life. I would have paid actual cash if I thought I could truly buy some extra sleep. Though I battled with sleep deprivation, in the grand scheme of things, it did not matter to me, because I chose to be a "hands on" mother.

Today I had thoughts about how I have been thankful for this past year and a half since I have been able to be home and spend time truly being a full-time mother to my children. I was laid off from my job as a trader after working at the same Investment Banking company for 22 years. It was a blessing in disguise for me. All the years that I had worked, I had someone else caring for my children, and I only had the few hours after work (before bedtime), weekends and vacations to spend with my children. Some of my "stay-at-home-Mom" friends would tell me that I was lucky to have a career. I was....

I tried my best to not get hung up with guilt feelings, but it was not always easy. There were many mornings, at about 5 a.m., when one of the children would get out of bed and come to me and beg saying, "Mommy can you pleeeeeeease stay home today?" That would break my heart! In their little minds, there was no understanding that I had to go to work everyday. In their little minds, it seemed like I was making a choice to go to work over being with them.

Well, they thank me all the time now for being here, even on the days that they are not behaving and I have to discipline them and become "Mean Mommy." I can be very tough. We have great fun but I still expect them to behave, work hard in school, have manners, treat people how they want to be treated themselves, and respect themselves and love each other. Some days are truly a challenge, but it's a challenge I embrace. I know that they are my children and I am fully responsible for them at this time, and because I love them more than anyone else in this world, my love is what enables me to do all that I do for them. My right mind and my heart tells me what I have to do, and I just do it. And all the while, as I go through each day, I utter these powerful words, "God help me." It really helps! LOL!

As we wind down this last week of school, I can say I am so thankful for many things, but the most important ones are:

1. I love my son and my daughter just the way they are.
2. I am thankful that I am a mother and specifically a mother to Miles and Nia.
3. I am thankful that God has blessed me with good health, energy and a desire to be the best mother that I can be.
4. I am thankful that I was able to share a year and half with my children since I was not able to share this much with them before January 2008. We did a lot of amazing things over the past 18 months.
5. I will continue to do my best as a mother for the sake of my children.
6. I have to give thanks to my FATHER because I inherited his spirit. The spirit that enables me to want to get up early everyday and get going and doing. This spirit is very necessary for me to be a good mother.

My children will spend Father's Day with their father on Sunday and I just want to say, Happy Father's day to all the wonderful Fathers out in the world!

Take time to remember your father, wherever he is....

1 comment:

Coach Barbie, PhD said...

Truly wonderful post. I am that "ohh, cute" person now. Hmmm. :)